My Drama - An Introduction
Like so many others, I suffer from depression. I am trying to learn how to accept that I have this mental illness and that it is not going to just be gone tomorrow when I wake up. This is where it started.
I was a very tall youth, but very shy as well. This prompted a lot of bullying while I was in school. I had great parents and was pretty well adjusted, but the bullying did bother me. I was always afraid to fight back. Yes I did not like confrontation (and I still don't), but the main thing was that I really did not want to hurt anyone. I was most afraid of letting my anger get out of control. This all started early on in elementary school. By the time I got to grade 12 (my graduation year) I almost dropped out because I was just so tired of it all. I managed to stick it out and thankfully I made it through the rest of high school without any further trouble. I wish I could say the same for some of my other class mates. College was not too bad. I had mostly gotten my shyness under control by this point and so I did reasonably well.
I met my first wife while I was in my last year of college. She was from a different college and we met on the greyhound going home for Christmas. I should have probably paid attention to the warning signs and ran away, but then I would not have my most amazing children. Suffice to say, my first marriage lasted too long. I was raised to honor my commitments, marriage with children being the biggest one. I did my best to stick it out. We were together for almost fifteen years and when she left me I took it really hard. During my marriage I had become a bit distanced from my parents. My wife and my father did not get along at all, and of course I took my wife's side in all thing. To my mind that is what a husband does. When we split it was made to seem that it was all my fault. It took my several months of self reflection to realize that nothing is ever one sided. While I was trying to come to terms with that I also had the opportunity to repair my relationship with my parents.
When we split we promised each other we would make sure that the children did not suffer from the experience. I tried very hard to live up to that promise. I made some mistakes, but for the most part the kids had a normal life with as little guilt-parenting as I could manage. Of course that is not all of it. My ex accused me molesting my daughters. Thankfully her new boyfriend had some sense and stopped her from going to the police. He told her that she could get the kids to see a counselor who could question the kids to determine if there was anything going on. Of course there wasn't, so that disaster was averted. Then there was the constant attempts to get money from me that she wasn't entitled to. Among other things, she accused me of not giving back her share of the house. I had to go to the bank to get a copy of the cashed certified check to prove I did. She tried to get me to pay alimony for the rest of her life. Thankfully my lawyer was able to take care of that nonsense.
There was a continuing barrage of these attacks and I fought against every one for a couple of years. I got tired of fighting and it was really starting to affect the kids so I swallowed my pride and started trying to make some sort of peace. I managed to get things calmed down and made some sacrifices of my pride and dignity along the way. I kept any girlfriends I had out of the picture. I wasn't sure what else would set her off. It was now five years later and my divorce proceedings were almost finalized when I met the woman of my dreams and a year to the day later we married. This new relationship stirred up the hornet's nest. My new wife took a lot of flak for being in the picture, even before we were married. There was so much drama. A lot of it was directed towards her, but also to me. There were some incidents revolving around the safety of my children. We were trying to get my ex to make smarter and safer decisions where the girls were concerned. Our arguing on their behalf caused her to start manipulating them with nasty stuff like that I don't really love the girls. My daughters were in their mid teens at this point so the timing was perfect. She successfully turned my oldest against me and that caused us to not be able to be together for over two years. I had to play it slow so that I could win her back in a non threatening way. All the while my ex was sowing ideas into my daughters heads that I was abandoning them and so on. Between that mess and the several court appearances I was frayed.
During this time my mother was hospitalized for several months and my father needed to be looked after since he had Alzheimer's. We took him in and I worked from home for a few months so that we could look after him. While dad was with us the harassment was relentless. We would receive horrible phone calls several times a day. We did eventually get him into a home, and after about a year, we got him into the same home that my mom was put into. My dad declined rapidly and so when they declared that he was dying I went to the girl's school to take them to see him one last time. When I got there, I went to the front desk and was told that there was a note in the girl's file that I was not to have any contact with them. This was of course ridiculous. There was never a court order to that affect and so that should never have been there. Just more manipulation. It took hours to get it sorted out. I did finally get the girls to see my father and then a couple of days later he died.
My dad died and I was numb. I felt nothing. I knew I should be sad, and I was, but I barely felt anything. I never spent any time mourning his loss. This was quite disturbing because I really looked up to my dad. I learned to be a man from his example.
Shortly after my dad’s death I ended up losing my job. There were some office politics involved. I was unemployed for about a year before I finally found a new job. We had to pick up and move a few towns over. We had no money because all of our savings were spent while I was unemployed. We went in the hole so fast. I had applied for welfare because my unemployment insurance would run out about a month before my new job was to start. They said that we definitely qualified for emergency assistance and that they would get back to me within a few days. Two days turned into two months before I finally heard back from them. They asked if we still needed help. I told them that I had started my job but I did need help to make the payments that I had to put on hold. They said that since I was now working I no longer qualified.
After working at the new job for a couple of months my wife’s depression and anxiety started to take hold of her. I did my best to be strong for her for three years while she sank lower. There is a link to the left that describes some of that story. I am quite happy to say that she is starting to improve and her mental health is stabilizing.
This three years have been very difficult for both of us. Two years ago My wife's mother passed away and last year my own mother also passed away. I’ve been very stressed out and unhappy and that pressure has been building up inside me and I’ve been pushing it aside so that I could give my full attention to my wife. She and I share a therapist. We all knew that I was getting worse and that I needed to start dealing with my own problems. I am now at the point where I can barely function. I started having almost irresistible thoughts of suicide. With the help of my wife and my therapist I went to see my doctor and he put me on some antidepressants. The self-loathing and thoughts of suicide are under control with the medication but I’m not really improving. I am what you might call passively suicidal. I am not actively looking to kill myself but I welcome the idea that something might happen to me. If I were to die in a car accident I wouldn’t be too sad about it.
My therapist is trying to help me get onto the road to recovery. The first step is the biggest and that is accepting that I actually have depression. It’s to the point now where it’s not just something that’ll go away when the stress goes away but rather something that I have to continually work on to stay in control.
I was a very tall youth, but very shy as well. This prompted a lot of bullying while I was in school. I had great parents and was pretty well adjusted, but the bullying did bother me. I was always afraid to fight back. Yes I did not like confrontation (and I still don't), but the main thing was that I really did not want to hurt anyone. I was most afraid of letting my anger get out of control. This all started early on in elementary school. By the time I got to grade 12 (my graduation year) I almost dropped out because I was just so tired of it all. I managed to stick it out and thankfully I made it through the rest of high school without any further trouble. I wish I could say the same for some of my other class mates. College was not too bad. I had mostly gotten my shyness under control by this point and so I did reasonably well.
I met my first wife while I was in my last year of college. She was from a different college and we met on the greyhound going home for Christmas. I should have probably paid attention to the warning signs and ran away, but then I would not have my most amazing children. Suffice to say, my first marriage lasted too long. I was raised to honor my commitments, marriage with children being the biggest one. I did my best to stick it out. We were together for almost fifteen years and when she left me I took it really hard. During my marriage I had become a bit distanced from my parents. My wife and my father did not get along at all, and of course I took my wife's side in all thing. To my mind that is what a husband does. When we split it was made to seem that it was all my fault. It took my several months of self reflection to realize that nothing is ever one sided. While I was trying to come to terms with that I also had the opportunity to repair my relationship with my parents.
When we split we promised each other we would make sure that the children did not suffer from the experience. I tried very hard to live up to that promise. I made some mistakes, but for the most part the kids had a normal life with as little guilt-parenting as I could manage. Of course that is not all of it. My ex accused me molesting my daughters. Thankfully her new boyfriend had some sense and stopped her from going to the police. He told her that she could get the kids to see a counselor who could question the kids to determine if there was anything going on. Of course there wasn't, so that disaster was averted. Then there was the constant attempts to get money from me that she wasn't entitled to. Among other things, she accused me of not giving back her share of the house. I had to go to the bank to get a copy of the cashed certified check to prove I did. She tried to get me to pay alimony for the rest of her life. Thankfully my lawyer was able to take care of that nonsense.
There was a continuing barrage of these attacks and I fought against every one for a couple of years. I got tired of fighting and it was really starting to affect the kids so I swallowed my pride and started trying to make some sort of peace. I managed to get things calmed down and made some sacrifices of my pride and dignity along the way. I kept any girlfriends I had out of the picture. I wasn't sure what else would set her off. It was now five years later and my divorce proceedings were almost finalized when I met the woman of my dreams and a year to the day later we married. This new relationship stirred up the hornet's nest. My new wife took a lot of flak for being in the picture, even before we were married. There was so much drama. A lot of it was directed towards her, but also to me. There were some incidents revolving around the safety of my children. We were trying to get my ex to make smarter and safer decisions where the girls were concerned. Our arguing on their behalf caused her to start manipulating them with nasty stuff like that I don't really love the girls. My daughters were in their mid teens at this point so the timing was perfect. She successfully turned my oldest against me and that caused us to not be able to be together for over two years. I had to play it slow so that I could win her back in a non threatening way. All the while my ex was sowing ideas into my daughters heads that I was abandoning them and so on. Between that mess and the several court appearances I was frayed.
During this time my mother was hospitalized for several months and my father needed to be looked after since he had Alzheimer's. We took him in and I worked from home for a few months so that we could look after him. While dad was with us the harassment was relentless. We would receive horrible phone calls several times a day. We did eventually get him into a home, and after about a year, we got him into the same home that my mom was put into. My dad declined rapidly and so when they declared that he was dying I went to the girl's school to take them to see him one last time. When I got there, I went to the front desk and was told that there was a note in the girl's file that I was not to have any contact with them. This was of course ridiculous. There was never a court order to that affect and so that should never have been there. Just more manipulation. It took hours to get it sorted out. I did finally get the girls to see my father and then a couple of days later he died.
My dad died and I was numb. I felt nothing. I knew I should be sad, and I was, but I barely felt anything. I never spent any time mourning his loss. This was quite disturbing because I really looked up to my dad. I learned to be a man from his example.
Shortly after my dad’s death I ended up losing my job. There were some office politics involved. I was unemployed for about a year before I finally found a new job. We had to pick up and move a few towns over. We had no money because all of our savings were spent while I was unemployed. We went in the hole so fast. I had applied for welfare because my unemployment insurance would run out about a month before my new job was to start. They said that we definitely qualified for emergency assistance and that they would get back to me within a few days. Two days turned into two months before I finally heard back from them. They asked if we still needed help. I told them that I had started my job but I did need help to make the payments that I had to put on hold. They said that since I was now working I no longer qualified.
After working at the new job for a couple of months my wife’s depression and anxiety started to take hold of her. I did my best to be strong for her for three years while she sank lower. There is a link to the left that describes some of that story. I am quite happy to say that she is starting to improve and her mental health is stabilizing.
This three years have been very difficult for both of us. Two years ago My wife's mother passed away and last year my own mother also passed away. I’ve been very stressed out and unhappy and that pressure has been building up inside me and I’ve been pushing it aside so that I could give my full attention to my wife. She and I share a therapist. We all knew that I was getting worse and that I needed to start dealing with my own problems. I am now at the point where I can barely function. I started having almost irresistible thoughts of suicide. With the help of my wife and my therapist I went to see my doctor and he put me on some antidepressants. The self-loathing and thoughts of suicide are under control with the medication but I’m not really improving. I am what you might call passively suicidal. I am not actively looking to kill myself but I welcome the idea that something might happen to me. If I were to die in a car accident I wouldn’t be too sad about it.
My therapist is trying to help me get onto the road to recovery. The first step is the biggest and that is accepting that I actually have depression. It’s to the point now where it’s not just something that’ll go away when the stress goes away but rather something that I have to continually work on to stay in control.
That’s what this blog is about. I’m hoping that if I write about my progress it will be easier for me to see it as real and actually accept it. I hope that along the way this might resonate with other people who might be going through similar problems.
One day at a time ...
One day at a time ...
Comments
Post a Comment