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My Most Recent Self-harm Experience

I am writing this journal entry the next day (on the 30th). As I think about what happened yesterday, I find it quite challenging to consolidate my mental state with how I usually feel. I was so irrational and off the wall. I couldn't string together any reasonable thoughts. Looking back now, it was pretty frightening. It took me about four hours to write this, almost as long as the experience itself. I wanted to make sure I got as much detail as possible. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Monday, August 29, 2022 What a shit day. I was doing fine for most of the day. At around 3:30, my wife came home from an outing and was very crabby. When I asked her how she was doing, she beaked off that it was just another day of her struggling to find a reason to keep living (she has a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder). We argued a little bit about some stupid self-esteem stuff, and she went upstairs. That put me ...
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Hope is not Enough

Like I said last time, I am filled with new hope. I've been surfing that wave of energy for a while now, feeling invigorated and alive again. It was a wonderful feeling. Yesterday I was reminded that my life has not in fact transformed into all fairies and sugar plums. My wife and I went on a long overdue date last night. We were having a wonderful day and were filled with joy and excitement. Our dinner plans fell apart, and that mixed with trying to sort out new dinner plans caused our joy to crumble. Try as I might I couldn't prevent the downward spiral. By the time we got seated at the replacement restaurant I had come undone. I was in panic mode. I was dizzy and disoriented. I was filled with rage. I felt like I needed to throw up, and I started to cry. I excused myself and went to the bathroom to try to get a grip, but I just felt hollow. We sat through dinner, mostly ignoring each other. It took until the very end of dinner before we were able to start turning things a...
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New Hope

My last post was really depressing. I was in a very low state and, to be honest, I was very close to committing suicide. I went to my therapist that evening and for a while we talked about how I was doing and what I could do to get my hope back. We talked about my medication plan and we talked about getting me in to see a psychiatrist. My mind was not coming around. I was still feeling hopeless. My depression hasn't ever made any sense to me. I knew it was there and it was legitimate. My therapist even had me come up with a name for it so that I could try to separate myself from it, so I called it Walter. I may have mentioned that before. Along with my depression I also have a huge ball of rage buried deep inside me. I can feel it in there and the idea that it might get loose scares me so I have spent all of my life keeping that locked away tight. I do feel that I have enough self control even now that it won't get out. About half way through my session my therapist ch...
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Sinking

My medications seem to be under control, but for all that I feel like it's all getting worse. My family does not have the ability to help me as much as I need them too, and I still have no idea when the thoughts in my head are my own vs. my depression. I am so confused and frustrated, and I keep thinking that it might be easier if I just end it. It's not what I would have chosen but I feel like I am running out of options, and I don't have the strength to fight for myself anymore. I could just push all my depression deep down, but it won't stay down there forever and the next time I loose it I might be much worse off. The medical community has made it even harder to get professional help here. I have a wonderful therapist thankfully, but I have to jump through hoops now to try to get a psychiatrist. I feel so out of control, so sad and so lonely. I cry every day when I get up. I go to work and am lucky enough to put most of it out of my head for a little while. T...
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Christmas

Well, it's the Christmas season. I can't say that I am feeling particularly full of the Christmas spirit. I am doing my best to survive this week. I think that my medications are starting to balance out a bit. I have been feeling a bit more level lately, but today (Christmas eve) it seems to be more difficult. hopefully tomorrow will be better. I have a lot of negative thoughts crowding in on my brain. I am constantly fighting. As a result when someone says anything to me I am reading more into it that there is and getting upset about it even thought there is nothing to be getting upset about. I have to keep reminding myself that nobody is trying to cut me down, and to just let it go. Here is a thought that I am supposed to hold onto. I have a good job. This job is a distraction from Walter. Yes, I named my depression Walter to help remind me that it's not who I am. That is is separate from me. So, I am distracted from Walter much of the time that I am at work. This gi...
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It's a Losing Battle

It's a vicious cycle. I get depressed and get less motivated to look after myself. I stop taking my pills because I can't be bothered. I need the pills to help get me evened out so I can handle every day.  So it is becoming obvious that I cannot afford to have depression. Depression causes me to make a lazy choices like not wanting to go to work and eating out every day so I don't have to cook, and I just don't make enough money for that and I don't want to lose the income that I do have. I suppose I'm just gonna have to push it all down as best I can and hope I don't have a nervous break down. I've been ignoring my feelings for a few days now. Any time even a hint of negative thoughts enters my mind I push it down hard. It's like sitting on the lid of a big box, pushing that lid down really hard, but the tentacles come out through the cracks in the lid and they are groping for me. I have been taking my pills like ...
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Fighting the Demons

All my life I have felt like I'm really strong and I can tackle anything that comes at me. Why am I not able to tackle this? I feel helpless and unprepared for this burden. I'll be sitting on the couch watching some TV and relaxing, not feeling too bad at all. Then out of the blue I feel a curtain come down, making everything dim and hazy. The voices start talking, telling me that I'm not really worth anything. That I am a fraud. They aren't voices so much as impressions and images, showing me suggestions of how I can solve these problems like stepping out into traffic or pushing a knife into my heart. I imagine the pain that it would cause me physically, and the impression says that the pain would only last for a little while and then it would all be over. I love my family. I can't imagine ever not loving in them, but at times like these I don't love my life very much. I know that when the curtain is up there are times when I do love my life. Sometimes it...
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