My Depression Journey

My last post was really depressing. I was in a very low state and, to be honest, I was very close to committing suicide. I went to my therapist that evening and for a while we talked about how I was doing and what I could do to get my hope back. We talked about my medication plan and we talked about getting me in to see a psychiatrist. My mind was not coming around. I was still feeling hopeless. My depression hasn't ever made any sense to me. I knew it was there and it was legitimate. My therapist even had me come up with a name for it so that I could try to separate myself from it, so I called it Walter. I may have mentioned that before. Along with my depression I also have a huge ball of rage buried deep inside me. I can feel it in there and the idea that it might get loose scares me so I have spent all of my life keeping that locked away tight. I do feel that I have enough self control even now that it won't get out. About half way through my session my therapist ch...

My medications seem to be under control, but for all that I feel like it's all getting worse. My family does not have the ability to help me as much as I need them too, and I still have no idea when the thoughts in my head are my own vs. my depression. I am so confused and frustrated, and I keep thinking that it might be easier if I just end it. It's not what I would have chosen but I feel like I am running out of options, and I don't have the strength to fight for myself anymore. I could just push all my depression deep down, but it won't stay down there forever and the next time I loose it I might be much worse off. The medical community has made it even harder to get professional help here. I have a wonderful therapist thankfully, but I have to jump through hoops now to try to get a psychiatrist. I feel so out of control, so sad and so lonely. I cry every day when I get up. I go to work and am lucky enough to put most of it out of my head for a little while. T...