My Depression Journey

Like I said last time, I am filled with new hope. I've been surfing that wave of energy for a while now, feeling invigorated and alive again. It was a wonderful feeling. Yesterday I was reminded that my life has not in fact transformed into all fairies and sugar plums. My wife and I went on a long overdue date last night. We were having a wonderful day and were filled with joy and excitement. Our dinner plans fell apart, and that mixed with trying to sort out new dinner plans caused our joy to crumble. Try as I might I couldn't prevent the downward spiral. By the time we got seated at the replacement restaurant I had come undone. I was in panic mode. I was dizzy and disoriented. I was filled with rage. I felt like I needed to throw up, and I started to cry. I excused myself and went to the bathroom to try to get a grip, but I just felt hollow. We sat through dinner, mostly ignoring each other. It took until the very end of dinner before we were able to start turning things a...

My last post was really depressing. I was in a very low state and, to be honest, I was very close to committing suicide. I went to my therapist that evening and for a while we talked about how I was doing and what I could do to get my hope back. We talked about my medication plan and we talked about getting me in to see a psychiatrist. My mind was not coming around. I was still feeling hopeless. My depression hasn't ever made any sense to me. I knew it was there and it was legitimate. My therapist even had me come up with a name for it so that I could try to separate myself from it, so I called it Walter. I may have mentioned that before. Along with my depression I also have a huge ball of rage buried deep inside me. I can feel it in there and the idea that it might get loose scares me so I have spent all of my life keeping that locked away tight. I do feel that I have enough self control even now that it won't get out. About half way through my session my therapist ch...

My medications seem to be under control, but for all that I feel like it's all getting worse. My family does not have the ability to help me as much as I need them too, and I still have no idea when the thoughts in my head are my own vs. my depression. I am so confused and frustrated, and I keep thinking that it might be easier if I just end it. It's not what I would have chosen but I feel like I am running out of options, and I don't have the strength to fight for myself anymore. I could just push all my depression deep down, but it won't stay down there forever and the next time I loose it I might be much worse off. The medical community has made it even harder to get professional help here. I have a wonderful therapist thankfully, but I have to jump through hoops now to try to get a psychiatrist. I feel so out of control, so sad and so lonely. I cry every day when I get up. I go to work and am lucky enough to put most of it out of my head for a little while. T...