It's a Losing Battle

It's a vicious cycle. I get depressed and get less motivated to look after myself. I stop taking my pills because I can't be bothered. I need the pills to help get me evened out so I can handle every day. 

So it is becoming obvious that I cannot afford to have depression. Depression causes me to make a lazy choices like not wanting to go to work and eating out every day so I don't have to cook, and I just don't make enough money for that and I don't want to lose the income that I do have. I suppose I'm just gonna have to push it all down as best I can and hope I don't have a nervous break down.

I've been ignoring my feelings for a few days now. Any time even a hint of negative thoughts enters my mind I push it down hard. It's like sitting on the lid of a big box, pushing that lid down really hard, but the tentacles come out through the cracks in the lid and they are groping for me.

I have been taking my pills like I am supposed to, twice a day. Yesterday I discovered that I had forgotten to take my morning pills 3 days in a row. I can't fathom how that happened. I don't even remember those three mornings. I was trying to be so diligent. I've been trying so hard. I am losing this battle. I need to take the time to deal with my shit because it's coming out whether I want it to or not. … And yet stubbornly I carry on like there is nothing the matter.

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