New Hope
My last post was really depressing. I was in a very low state and, to be honest, I was very close to committing suicide.
I went to my therapist that evening and for a while we talked about how I was doing and what I could do to get my hope back. We talked about my medication plan and we talked about getting me in to see a psychiatrist. My mind was not coming around. I was still feeling hopeless.
My depression hasn't ever made any sense to me. I knew it was there and it was legitimate. My therapist even had me come up with a name for it so that I could try to separate myself from it, so I called it Walter. I may have mentioned that before.
Along with my depression I also have a huge ball of rage buried deep inside me. I can feel it in there and the idea that it might get loose scares me so I have spent all of my life keeping that locked away tight. I do feel that I have enough self control even now that it won't get out.
About half way through my session my therapist changed direction and started getting me to open up about that rage and trying to figure out where it came from. As we talked more and more about it we discovered the root cause of it all.
I moved to Canada from Holland when I was just about 6 years old. I had to go to an ESL school so that I could learn English and adapt to the school system here. I had a bad incident with one of the teachers at that school (nothing obscene or sexual) and it seems to have changed the way I interact with people. My mom had told me for years that while we were still in Holland I was quite a confident child, and not really afraid to do things like swimming, but when we got here that all changed and it took me years to learn how to swim again and I was always a little off so I had trouble forming friendships at school, which also got me bullied a lot.
It turns out that although I do have a Walter inside me feeding me malicious and sinister thoughts, there is something else in there as well. It is something old. It has been with me for well over forty years and it has been present at every event of my life. I have decided to name this thing as well. I call it Rex.
Without Rex who would I have become? I don't know, but I do know that as soon as I discovered him I have felt a new hope. I am eager to discover more about him and figure out how to put him in his place. I have been able to recognize when Walter is talking to me and easily tell him to shut the hell up.
It's two days now since I saw my therapist and although I am not better yet, I feel really good. I have new hope and I have new energy and excitement to see what the future may hold.
I went to my therapist that evening and for a while we talked about how I was doing and what I could do to get my hope back. We talked about my medication plan and we talked about getting me in to see a psychiatrist. My mind was not coming around. I was still feeling hopeless.
My depression hasn't ever made any sense to me. I knew it was there and it was legitimate. My therapist even had me come up with a name for it so that I could try to separate myself from it, so I called it Walter. I may have mentioned that before.
Along with my depression I also have a huge ball of rage buried deep inside me. I can feel it in there and the idea that it might get loose scares me so I have spent all of my life keeping that locked away tight. I do feel that I have enough self control even now that it won't get out.
About half way through my session my therapist changed direction and started getting me to open up about that rage and trying to figure out where it came from. As we talked more and more about it we discovered the root cause of it all.
I moved to Canada from Holland when I was just about 6 years old. I had to go to an ESL school so that I could learn English and adapt to the school system here. I had a bad incident with one of the teachers at that school (nothing obscene or sexual) and it seems to have changed the way I interact with people. My mom had told me for years that while we were still in Holland I was quite a confident child, and not really afraid to do things like swimming, but when we got here that all changed and it took me years to learn how to swim again and I was always a little off so I had trouble forming friendships at school, which also got me bullied a lot.
It turns out that although I do have a Walter inside me feeding me malicious and sinister thoughts, there is something else in there as well. It is something old. It has been with me for well over forty years and it has been present at every event of my life. I have decided to name this thing as well. I call it Rex.
Without Rex who would I have become? I don't know, but I do know that as soon as I discovered him I have felt a new hope. I am eager to discover more about him and figure out how to put him in his place. I have been able to recognize when Walter is talking to me and easily tell him to shut the hell up.
It's two days now since I saw my therapist and although I am not better yet, I feel really good. I have new hope and I have new energy and excitement to see what the future may hold.
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