Christmas

Well, it's the Christmas season. I can't say that I am feeling particularly full of the Christmas spirit. I am doing my best to survive this week. I think that my medications are starting to balance out a bit. I have been feeling a bit more level lately, but today (Christmas eve) it seems to be more difficult. hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I have a lot of negative thoughts crowding in on my brain. I am constantly fighting. As a result when someone says anything to me I am reading more into it that there is and getting upset about it even thought there is nothing to be getting upset about. I have to keep reminding myself that nobody is trying to cut me down, and to just let it go.

Here is a thought that I am supposed to hold onto. I have a good job. This job is a distraction from Walter. Yes, I named my depression Walter to help remind me that it's not who I am. That is is separate from me. So, I am distracted from Walter much of the time that I am at work. This gives me a chance to get away from it all for a little while each day. This is a positive.

I have been feeling like I fell through thin ice and there is nothing nearby strong enough to grab onto so I can get out. I am still looking for my "iceberg". Obviously my wife and kids make up a part of that iceberg, but it doesn't feel like that is enough. I think I need to find something inside myself that will be strong enough to support me. I guess I can't get it all right away. I will continue to work on that because I haven't got any choice. I am not yet at the point where I have run out of hope, so ... I "hope" I find my iceberg soon.

I'm so tired.

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