Hope is not Enough

Like I said last time, I am filled with new hope. I've been surfing that wave of energy for a while now, feeling invigorated and alive again. It was a wonderful feeling. Yesterday I was reminded that my life has not in fact transformed into all fairies and sugar plums.

My wife and I went on a long overdue date last night. We were having a wonderful day and were filled with joy and excitement. Our dinner plans fell apart, and that mixed with trying to sort out new dinner plans caused our joy to crumble. Try as I might I couldn't prevent the downward spiral. By the time we got seated at the replacement restaurant I had come undone. I was in panic mode. I was dizzy and disoriented. I was filled with rage. I felt like I needed to throw up, and I started to cry. I excused myself and went to the bathroom to try to get a grip, but I just felt hollow. We sat through dinner, mostly ignoring each other. It took until the very end of dinner before we were able to start turning things around. We decided to just cancel the dancing that we had planned and head back to the hotel where we could talk and relax.

Ultimately our love for each other got us through it and today I am tired and have a bit of a headache, but hopeful again. The lesson in all this ... feeling good does not mean that all my problems are solved. I need to get better at catching the triggers that set me off so that I can better control that downward spiral.

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